Monday blues

What a stupid, crap, horrible day. Andy and I have exchanged probably less than 10 words, Maya is poorly, Lily is poorly, I am poorly and I have had roughly 6 hours sleep in 3 nights. Andy doesn't know how to tread around me when I'm like this - I don't know how to deal with myself either. I feel disgusted with myself, and then very sorry for myself, and then I despair of myself and then comes the deep, deep confusion and the mind mantra begins to whirl once more: whyohwhyohwhyohwhyohwhy is this happening to me?

I think I must have had my foreboding 'don't come near me' face today, because people didn't, quite rightly, come near me. And that included Andy. And that pains me more than I can express. Not that I am blaming him for this, but I am hurt that I am hurting him, my soul mate, my rasion d'etre. And then of course on days like this I start questioning how my dark days are affecting Lily and Maya. What is going through Maya's head when she sees me cry? When she sweetly suggests to me to 'go back to bed Mummy', that makes me cry even more because her gorgeous, innocent little two year old brain has no clue of the irony of her words and no means to comprehend what is happening to me. Having said that though, she picks up on SO much. Maya is an observer, she has been right from the beginning of her life and if this insomnia (or 'sleep disorder' as Andy feels I should call it) decides to stick around for a while longer, I desperately need to find ways to deal it whereby it doesn't affect the people I love the most so acutely. Roll on the cognitive behavioural therapy (I have an appointment early January with the mental health worker to try and get a course of CBT organised).

But I can't finish writing on such a low. Positive news for the day: my lovely friend Lizzie and her gorgeous baby Ada came to visit today. Lizzie is a calming, gentle spirit - the kind of person it's good for me to be around on days like this. And it helped me to remember that I must keep communicating with people and talking to friends and family. I feel like such a burden on people and can hardly believe when months have lapsed since last phone conversations and meetings and I still have the same sorry tale to tell. I'm hardly a bundle of laughs, am I? HOWEVER, we have to take the rough with the smooth, don't we. And when this is all over, or at least stabilised, I hope to be able to give people the support in their difficult times that I've been given.