Details

...all happiness is contagious and disarms the spirit of hatred.

Irene Nemirovsky


I was exhausted last night after a full day on my feet culminating in a session of intense yoga. After writing in my 'little book of sleep' as I call it and stretching out on the sofa to listen to my ipod, I went to bed. But suddenly, I no longer felt all that tired and a tension began to creep up my body. I wondered whether I might be in for a long night whilst also trying not to dwell on that possibility. BUT, I am pleased to report, this didn't happen and before too long I did manage to drop off. And here's the difference - here's where there has been a tangible shift in my body's energies and ability to relax itself. Not so long ago, just thinking I might not drop off would very likely have spiralled and run its inevitable course of not sleeping. The mind is so, so powerful. Which is why chamomile tea and lavender oil were never going to work with me; they may have stuck a plaster over a wound but what I needed far more was to re-programme my mind which had talked me into believing I was an insomniac. If we believe something, we are something.

Now, when I have a terrible night, it is just that - a terrible night. I want to see that now as a blip. Not something to dramatise or get upset about. I have enough practice at struggling through a day to deal with it in one way or another. What I just haven't been able to deal with in the past is night after night after night of not sleeping. Maybe this will come again, but what I believe, what I hope, is that the worst is over. And as for the blips, well I'm much stronger to deal with these now.

On another quick note, the above quote is taken from Irene Nemirovsky's novel 'Suite Francaise' which she wrote before perishing in Auschwitz. The novel has nothing to do with Auschwitz, or her being Jewish. It is simply a first hand account of what she is witnessing around her in France at the start of the war, woven into poignant fiction. It is one of the most moving books I've ever read, because her eye for small detail is stunning. With a unpretentious turn of phrase she paints a picture and gets under the skin of a character. Nobody has the ability to do this unless they are really alive; truly looking around them and taking nothing for granted - not the shade of sky, the texture of cotton, the feel of rain. Irene Nemirovsky is an inspiration to me, not just as a writer but as a human.