Ghosts

You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.

Eckhart Tolle

I'm not feeling so good today physically - very tired. But mentally, I'm still more or less on top of things and I'm not making my family suffer for what I'm experiencing and this has got to be a positive thing. All too often Andy in particular bears the brunt of my weariness and this can't be a good start to his day either.

Yesterday I had a really, really interesting Reiki session. Priya and I chatted for a while before I had the Reiki and she told me what she can feel in my body - that there is a huge amount of blocked energy. My self-diagnosis of my sleep troubles has generally been that I stopped sleeping after I had Maya because she was such a poor sleeper as a baby and then when she started to sleep, I couldn't switch off and relax. Priya feels that Maya not sleeping was simply the trigger for me for some kind of earlier repressed memory or 'trauma'. Such traumas will prey on our weaknesses and because I have never been a particularly good sleeper, what was before just an inconvenience has now magnified and evolved into my insomnia. It's an interesting idea.

When I asked Priya if getting to the bottom of this can improve my sleep quality long term she said yes, but it could involve some pain dealing with this. The cynic in me could raise an eyebrow because this seems somewhat....I don't know, dramatic. However, this is not how I am going to react. As I have said before, being here, having these treatments, this is my chance. If there is some repressed pain or trauma, then I need to face it. But what I need to do first, as the above quote exemplifies, is create the right environment and space for myself in order to deal with it. It fills me with a little fear, imagining what I may need to confront. But more than fear, I am filled with hope.