The Magic Bean

5 am. Been awake since around 2, which gives me the grand total of about 4 hours sleep in the past two nights so wonder how I will cope with this lack of sleep today. I certainly didn't cope with it well yesterday.

There's been one important person that I've mentioned very little over the past few months - a person that I shall meet in around six weeks time and who is, for now, relying on me in very many ways. We don't know if we're having a girl or a boy, so let's call her/him the magic bean. Because I have two other children which keep me incredibly busy, I feel that Magic Bean's had a fraction of the look in that either Maya or Lily did before they came out to meet us. Magic Bean doesn't get the yoga, the massages, the dedicated music playing time...it just muddles along and gives me the most almighty kick now and again as if to say 'Oi! Don't forget about me!' In fact, the night before last it played a little joke with me and gave me contractions all night, so intense that I had already mentally prepared myself for the fact I would have a 6 week premature baby. By about 5.30 in the morning the contractions had passed, but I was well and truly exhausted for Maya's birthday.

Speaking of Magic Bean, I must be really honest and confess that there are times I have thoughts along the lines of Can I really cope with three children...what were we thinking...what kind of a mother will I really make after four years of intense sleep deprivation...Sometimes it all feels a little scary and a little insane and before these unhelpful thoughts start whirring out of control I have to bring myself back and tell myself OK. You are tired. But this baby is coming no matter what and s/he is a blessing and you will be FINE. Time and again, I have been amazed at what the body is able to cope with.

I've handed over more money over the past years to people claiming they can help me than I care to think about (not that I resent this - I've had to, and shall continue to keep trying things). Tomorrow I visit the next person in a long line of potential magician's. He is called Dr Guy Meadows and differs from the other's in one significant way: he specialises in insomnia. He just kept popping up again and again over the past couple of weeks and when Andy was in Mozambique with work, it even transpired that we'd been in contact with him independently of one another to make enquiries (not knowing Andy was abroad, he must think we don't communicate...). Anyway, I don't and can't see him as the answer to all my problems but of course I go in with hope all the same. His approach is based around techniques such as minfulness, CBT, acceptance and meditation and I must admit I'm intrigued. Andy commented rather wryly 'I challenge him to crack this nut.' Yup, it'll be a challenge for him. But from reading the testimonials on his website, he's cracked far harder nuts than me in his time, so we shall see.

What I hope for is that he is able to give me a new way of approaching my sleeplessness. And for me to feel  better able to cope with the arrival of this wriggling little Magic Bean, my new baby.