Finding my presence in the present

'The past is water under the bridge and the future is a distant sun on the horizon of your imagination. The most important moment is now. Learn to live in it and savour is fully.'

Robin Sharma


Every way I look and listen at the moment, I seem to be bombarded with words and messages that tell me to root myself in the present. These two gorgeous cheeky girls are far, far better at this than me. The other day, we were lying on the grass in the park and Maya was making up a song as she flitted around. She was singing phrases like 'I'm kicking the football, I'm picking a daisy, I'm looking up at the sky..' Her words were utterly un-self conscious and it really struck me how naturally it comes to little people, to absorb themselves in their task at hand and and just exist in the moment. When does this start to erode?

I feel like I'm taling two step forwards then five steps back at the moment. Today, I haven't managed to pick myself up all day and I feel disgruntled, tired and alone. And guilty already that Andy is going to return home in about twenty minutes time, feeling invogorated from cycling fourteen miles, to find me like this. And here's the point I ought to be checking myself and saying 'Hello 'guilt thoughts', how you doing? Off you go now.' Surely just by writing this; by acknowledging it, I have the chance to turn it around, put myself out of my comfort zone and give my long-suffering husband a break. How I wish I could find this strength. How I wish I WILL find this strength. 

Something is up today though. But I look out of the window and I see and hear so much beauty: gold and silver hued light, a spider sitting proudly in her dancing web, leaves whispering secrets...and I think come on Becks, pull yourself together. You ARE strong. But you have to believe in yourself. Today has been a non-belief day. And negativity of course breeds negativity. One of the good things about this  programme of Guy Meadows' from the London Insomnia Clinic that I'm following is that somehow the pressure to NOT feel bad has been lifted. It's quite difficult to explain, but if I AM to find my presence in the present, that means welcoming the bad along with the good. It's not saying you have to always be upbeat and stay positive. It's saying it's OK to feel like crap and feel horrible. But then it's knowing what to do with these feelings and finding a skilful reaction to them. This is the golden key.