The new butterfly

 'The breakdown of the caterpillar's old system is essential for the breakthrough of the new butterfly.'

Barbara Marx Hubbard


I'm not there yet. I'm not nearly there yet. I know I've talked on and off over the months (or years) about this issue of acceptance and whether I have it in me to accept this is something that I may have to deal with for years to come - perhaps for the rest of my life. In accepting, I may let go of whatever it is that is chaining me to insomniac patterns... but ay, there's the rub. Because how do I fight and accept at the same time? How does one truly find the humility to accept what they loathe? And in the middle of all this muddle, how does one get on with the daily tasks of raising children, relating to people and setting one foot in front of the other?

I've had other challenges in my life. But nothing comes even vaguely close to this, not least for its ripple effect that pains me more than I can express here. The above quote is one system of thought and would suggest that change is possible. Perhaps if I am prepared to divert the flow of water down its familiar old channels in my life, something would give. Here's an example: I get up in the morning after having slept 2 hours. And this is what I do: I take out a paintbrush and I paint invisible walls around myself, purposely leaving out a door to let others in. This knee-jerk reaction to lack of sleep comes as naturally to me now as breathing.

But take the same scenario, and instead of painting these walls, I take a deep breath and I smile and I say alright, I have not slept. But that is OK and another night I will sleep. For now, I must count my blessings and I must continue with the day. And I go downstairs and I hug my husband and children.

Will this ever come? Will I ever find the strength for this? I believe that the day I can answer yes to these questions is the day that the new butterly will start to emerge.