Honesty

I know that this blog can't be the most cheerful reading sometimes. And I'm sorry for that, but this has to be a space where I come to and be totally honest and offload. There are a trillion blogs out there filled with gorgeous sunny musings so perhaps it's a good idea to track one down to click on to after you've read mine! Though having said that, I hope you can see the positive that I try to unearth as much as I can, even if you sometimes have to read between the lines.

When Andy suggested all those moons ago that I write a blog about my insomnia, I think I looked at him like he was loco. Why on earth would I want to throw my experiences out into global cyberspace, with the potential for anyone to read about what I'm going through? But of course, the way it all began was with only Andy reading my blog for many months, so he could know what was happening with me on those days I couldn't talk. Then a few more people started wanted to know what was going on, and little by little I realised that writing about my experiences was helping me in completely unprecedented ways. It could, above all, help me to acknowledge where I was 'at'.

And this is where I was 'at' yesterday:

After four nights of very little sleep, I felt utterly defeated. I felt as though I was throwing my hands up in the air and saying Okay, this is it. I surrender. Though to whom or what I was surrendering, I couldn't tell you. I had one of those moments where I stepped out of my body and looked at myself and what I saw was a hunched figure sitting at the table. The body language said it all and I wanted to shake this person and shout pull yourself together and take her in my arms and hold her, all at the same time. I knew I would not be able to leave the house that day, and if Andy hadn't gone next door to the neighbour to see, last minute, if Maya could go to school with them, then she just wouldn't have gone to school. That's a difficult thing to admit.

BUT

This is where I am 'at' today:

Laughter.
Lunch.
Bright sunlight and crunchy leaves.
Shopping for dresses for a weekend wedding with my mother-in-law.
Maya in a lilac leotard readying herself for ballet.
Lily counting to ten for the first time.
Benjamin and his gorgeous gummy grin.
Bliss.

It's taking the dark with the light, as I so often say. A bit like this photograph I took last weekend on a cold autumn walk over the hills.