'And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.'
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.'
From Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann
On sunday we threw a little party for our gorgeous boy Benjamin with food and wine and words and the fabulous family entertainers as always performing their music and magic. Benjamin slept through a considerable chunk of the party, but when he wasn't asleep, he was very much as the photo above shows him: curiously looking around him and trying to make sense of the world which grows wider and expands around him each day, whilst holding him safely in its arms.
Benjamin's Mama's day got off to a tough start. I remember thinking as I dragged myself out of bed that this was exactly how I was feeling two years previously for Lily's naming day and the longevity of all this hit me afresh and made me feel....well, pretty sad, just wishing wishing wishing I could simply enjoy such a day without having to deal with the pounding head and heavy heart. (I know that one of the golden rules of what I'm trying to practice is not wallowing in nostalgia, but I also think it's important to give myself the space to feel what I'm feeling, and then move on.)
Anyway, I managed to pull myself together and help get everything ready for the party, but when one of the first guests arrived and my dear old friend asked me how the sleep was, I responded 'awful' - not looking for sympathy, just a simple statement. She remarked how well I hid it, at which point I managed to not hide it well in the slightest and promptly burst into tears. Ouch. Didn't see that one coming at all. So the next half hour was spent in my bedroom doing lots of deep breathing and gazing out at the raindrops before I felt sufficiently composed to go back downstairs again.
It is almost impossible to explain to people how different the world appears with some decent Z's under one's belt. It is pouring with rain outside, but I can't wait to get out into it, and turn my face to the sky. I want to scoop my children up and hug their warm, alive little bodies to mine. I want to pick up the phone and call all those people I've been neglecting. I want to make a collage full of the reds, golds and oranges of autumn.
The summer after my Dad died, I took off round Spain with a backpack. In Salamanca, I met a couple of fun American girls whom I hung out with for a few days. One night in a bar, I got a bit tearful (think I'd had too much to drink) and remember apologising for my perceived dampening of the spirits of a cheerful evening. One of the girls was called Tara, and I'll never forget what she said to me that moment - it has stayed with me ever since. She said 'We don't apologise for our laughter, so we shouldn't apologise for our tears.' How right she was. How can we possibly know what it is to be happy without feeling sadness?
Hi, I hope you don't mind me commenting but after reading your blog regularly I wondered if you had explored the possibility that you may be suffereing from depression? This horrible illness can often cause the insomnia, mood swings and tearfulness you often write about. It may be worth discussing it with your doctor as it can be so easily treated and you can start to enjoy life and be happier.
ReplyDeleteHi there, thanks for your comments. To be honest, it's not something I've considered that seriously, probably because the bad sleep began long before I started getting down so I've always felt it's the insomnia causing the mood swings, rather than depression causing insomnia. But this doesn't mean there might not be some truth in what you say. I'm always open to hearing people's suggestions! What I guess I'm less open to though is taking medication for my condition as that just doesn't sit easily with me - I want to find a way to control this naturally! But I really do appreciate your comments and it's definitely food for thought, particularly as it's not something I'd considered before.
ReplyDelete