Taking what's offered

 

'Acceptance does not mean putting up with or resigning yourself to anything. Acceptance is about embracing life, not merely tolerating it. Acceptance literally means "taking what is offered." It doesn't mean giving up or admitting defeat; it doesn't mean just gritting your teeth and bearing it. It means fully opening yourself to your present reality - acknowledging how it is, right here and now, and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in this moment.'

From 'The Happiness Trap' by Russ Harris.

I find it really difficult explaining to people why I don't want to 'try' more things in the attempt to cure my insomnia. I know it can come across as being defeatist, but I've never felt this to be the case and I think Russ Harris articulates the driving force of 'acceptance' pretty well.

For some unknown reason, I've slept pretty well this past week. Ok, so it may have helped having Andy back...and it may have helped that all three of my children are now chicken pox free...but it is, I know, most definitely not that simple. There have been nights when I am disturbed on the hour every hour by one of the kids but still manage to drop back off and thus feel sufficiently well rested in the morning and, on the flipside, long peaceful nights where I've not heard so much as a whisper of wind but can still lie there, quite literally all night long without dropping off. 

This is where I am at. I don't get it. Perhaps I'll never get it, but what I do know is that it's easy to be lulled into a false sense of security after a decent week, that perhaps the bad times really aren't  that bad and actually, I' m coping fine. But this is not the case - my insomnia continues to hover at my shoulder like a dark angel. So I've come to a big decision  (at least, it feels like a big decision for me) and that is that in the new year I'm going to start having counselling so I can 'offload' on a weekly basis. But isn't this just adding to my long list of therapies and things I've 'tried' over the years to feel better? Well no, I don't believe it is. Because I'm not going in the hope or the belief that this will cure me of my insomnia; I'm going because I want to talk about how I'm coping (or not coping) with having to deal with insomnia in my life.

And now that I've made this decision, it really feels like the right one. I think I was very resistant to it for some time. Perhaps there was a part of me that felt that if I had acupuncture, or Chinese medicine, or homeopathy, or hypnotherapy (you name it, I've had it!) I was being pro-active, but by seeing a counsellor, I'd 'given up' in a way. But now I don't feel like that at all. I feel very positive and accepting of my decision. And in 'taking what is offered' in the form of insomnia, I refuse to fight it anymore. This is my pledge for 2011: to offer my insomnia to pull a chair up and take a seat beside me. Sound strange? Well, let's see what happens.