To talk or not to talk

Lily slept through to 6.30 this morning - nothing short of a miracle after many weeks of 5 am starts. I slept really quite well also. Which is just as well, because Andy and I have a new agreement. For the next week, we are not going to discuss my sleep. And this is whether I sleep well or if I don't - it's just going to be taboo. Off-limits. The reason for this is not easy to describe exactly, but I shall try my best to do so.

Andy and I reached what can only be described as emotional meltdown breaking point last night. Our conversation has been dominated, for far too long, with my sleep (or lack of it). It has become an obsession with me, and I'll be the first to admit that. This is because it has been going on for soooooo long, but I don't want to start pleading my case here, because I've used this blog enough in the past as a vent for my frustrations as anyone who reads this regularly knows. But here is the predicament that Andy and I have found ourselves in: Andy feels that by frequently talking about my sleep disorder (and yes, sadly, it is far more frequent than I would wish), this is fuelling the very problem. The more I talk about it, the more it's there, right at the forefront of my mind and this is only helping my obsession to grow. Now conversely, I feel that I need to talk about it, because if I don't, I'll go crazy. Andy of course is the person on the receiving end of my weariness and many of my tears. Whilst of course he sympathizes, this has got to be waring after more than two years. He's being as patient as he can, but he's only human.

I realise to a greater extent after our conversation last night just how much my problem is impacting on his life. One thing he said really hit home: 'I just want my wife back'. It's true - I am not the same person he married. But that person still exists, she's just battling with some demons right now. Rebecca with boundless energy, enthusiasm and zest for life will be back, she's just gone a little out of focus. And naturally this slow erosion of my joie de vivre has affected the love of my life - how could it not? So because of this, this is something we need to try, to not keep talking about my insomnia. Anything's worth a try, isn't it. Andy's going to keep a diary over the coming week and perhaps I'll need to take refuge in my blog more than normal. But then again...perhaps I'll have more nights like last night. And more mornings when I can smile at my wonderful husband and tell him I love him before he goes to work.