Acceptance

Time spent organizing our inner self is time gained for clarity and fulfilment.

Mike George



Today is monday and there is much to celebrate from this past week. Something has shifted inside me; a small but very real change whereby my sense of panic surrounding not sleeping has reduced and I have reached a state of relaxation that comes from a much deeper place. All too often my 'relaxed states' have been superficial and short-lived. For example, some months ago I felt that by 'letting go' of my insomnia and just accepting it as a part of my life, its hold on me would lessen. And so that's what I told people who were interested - and myself - that I had accepted it. But I hadn't. Not really. Not deep down. I talked the acceptance line whilst still raging against it from the deep, dark place within me that I tried hard to ignore but, ultimately, re-surfaced with a vengeance.

But yes, this past week, I feel different. Of course it's easier to 'accept' when I have a few reasonable nights sleep behind me but the point is, I haven't slept brilliantly over the past week. I've either had trouble dropping off, sleep paralysis or woken in the very early hours, unable to fall asleep again. But something inside me has yielded, a kind of defence which is starting to be chipped away at, very slowly but tangibly. I think this was part of the problem before - acceptance is not like a light switch that you can just turn on at will, it's a process, a journey and it can be long and painful and I think it is only the journey that can liberate you. I feel a long way still from being 'liberated' from my insomnia. But at the same time, I feel more positive about it than I have done in a long time.