Challenges

In detachment lies the wisdom of uncertainty...in the wisdom of uncertainty lies the freedom from our past, from the known, which is the prison of past conditioning. And in our willingness to step into the unknown, the field of all possibilities, we surrender ourselves to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the universe.

Deepak Chopra

Yesterday, after I'd been yawning away, Maya said to me 'Mummy, are you tired?' I replied that I was, and when she asked why, I told her that I hadn't slept very well the night before. She mulled this over for some time and then said 'Mummy, you must sleep. You must.' How to explain insomnia to a three year old who sometimes comes home from school, places her head on the nearest chair and drops into a zombie like sleep for an hour or two. It's nigh-on impossible, but also unnecessary. All I can desperately hope is that she is a better sleeper than me in the years to come.

Last night was the worst I've had in a few weeks now. I went to bed and dropped off with ease only to wake up a couple of hours later and stay awake for the rest of the night. What I really should have done, instead of just lying there, was to get up and go out to read for a while like I normally do. But last night my body felt like lead after an intense yoga session and I didn't feel like I could move it. So yes, today will be a challenge.

But here's a thought to keep me going: Samuel Untermyer was one of the most successful lawyers in the US in the 1930's. He also was a chronic insomniac and claims he did not have a decent night's sleep in all his adult life. Instead of lying in bed, worrying that he wasn't sleeping, what he would do was get up, work, read and study. This sounds incredibly stressful to me; enough to push anyone over the edge. But it wasn't the case with Untermyer and he turned this potentially awful situation around by using it to his advantage. Now I don't think I'm going to follow his example by 'swotting up' on anything in the early hours as I'm told time and again that if I can't sleep I should do some 'light' reading or listen to 'light' music to put me in the right frame of mind before going back to bed. But what it does mean is that although these days come that I feel terrible, it doesn't mean I still can't 'achieve' anything. Even if that achievement is making someone smile, or pushing myself out of my shell I crawl into, out of my comfort zone (because yes, there is something strangely comforting about reverting to type and placing a barrier between me and the rest of the world on bad days), then this is something.