Giving

For it is in giving that we receive.

St Francis of Assisi

If somebody had placed a brick in my hands yesterday morning, I have no doubt at all that I would have thrown it through the nearest available window. After four nights of very little sleep, I am not a happy person. But feeling unhappy and negative as a result of sleep deprivation- which is the opposite of what I normally am - only serves to fuel my despondency further, so frustrated am I for not being able to just snap away my headaches and the sense of dread at having to get through another long day.

Andy and I had a conversation about 'acceptance' which is a word that comes up a great deal in relation to my insomnia. Acceptance - whether I do or don't, can or can't, should or shouldn't accept. I have learnt that acceptance is a slippery eel - when I feel I have a grasp of it, a surge of fury threatens to engulf me and a voice says 'no, I do not accept this. This will get better. This has to get better.'

Thankfully, after the initially awful start to the day, things managed to go uphill. I played a little trick on myself and pretended that I wasn't feeling terrible; that I wasn't in the furiously destructive and self destructive mood I imagined myself to be. And I went off to look after the children at the creche where I do voluntary work on tuesday mornings. I thought that the only way I could possibly pull myself out of the hole that threatened to bury me was by giving something of myself, in some way, rather than staying at home and trying to write but most probably just lying miserably on my bed. The overriding memory of my morning at the creche was this occurrence:

A small girl, aged two or three, was sobbing uncontrollably. Human contact is thin on the ground there: there are dozens and dozens of children all looked after by one or two teachers. I bent down and picked her up and immediately her arms went around my neck and her head on my shoulder and she fell fast asleep. She was exhausted. That's why she was crying, but she couldn't very well stretch out on the ground to sleep. I stayed there for a while, just hugging her and letting her sleep and by the time I put her down again, she definitely seemed calmer.