Emergencies

Nurture strength of spirit to shield your sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

From 'Desiderata'


They come in a crinkly, shiny silver packet and I can see that I have taken them just two times before. I truly didn't want to take sleeping pills - for me, this is the antithesis of how I believe I should deal with sleeplessness. But when I have barely slept for four nights on the trot, on the fifth night - like last night - I might think okay, enough is enough, this is an 'emergency'. And today I feel on top of the world. I'm not proud of taking them but there's also no point in beating myself up about it. After all, this is only the third time since my sleeping problems began that I've given in, the equivalent of once a year.

I needed today. I really needed it, to get out of my black hole and just physically get out of the house. To smile at my family and be there for breakfast; to enjoy meeting new people and to suggest things to do and places to go. This, after all, is ME. But then who is the person that can't get out of bed, that buries her head in her pillow and strains away from the light? She scares me sometimes because still, after all this time of living with her, I don't know how to deal with her. At least, not always, and particularly not after four nights of barely sleeping.

So, what's the answer? Just to keep going, to push through the bad times, embrace the good and, as someone far wiser than me said, be gentle with myself.