Lily

This is my beautiful daughter, Lily, who turned two today. The day dawned bright and green and alive but instead of feeling joyful, all I could do this morning was cry tears of complete and utter exhaustion and frustration.

However.

As is always the way, I managed to get on with the day (with two little girls to care for, there is no alternative, and this is good as I can only brood for so long.) I baked a carrot cake which we decorated with flowers from the garden. We blew up balloons. Unwrapped presents. Burned some jasmine incense. Welcomed a few dear, close friends to celebrate with us. Ate cake and strawberries and cheese straws and drank roobois. And here's what I realised:

That even though I am the only person that can help myself as far as my insomnia is concerned, I also can't underestimate how much it helps me when I'm feeling down to have company. It's something I fight, I think. I feel like such terrible company when so shattered and the last thing I want to do is subject others to my less than lively form. It is, of course, easier to be with nearest and dearest than people I know less well when I feel so atrocious as I don't need to explain myself - they just understand. My brother, for example, lived with us for a short spell recently and it felt really, really good having somebody around to chat to, helping to pull me out of what potentially could have festered into a darker mood. The girls are amazing - they are tolerant and accepting of me whichever way I am. But they are not adults, and sometimes I need more adult conversation than what I get.

I think it's helpful for me to acknowledge this - that when I feel low after a bad night (or several bad nights), whilst I might eschew contact with other adults, it is more often than not actually what will ultimately help me and possibly u-turn a brewing black mood.

But back to Lily, my gorgeous daughter. She makes me happier than I can express. I want to hold on to these precious days when she is little and etch frames around the memories I have of special times. Here are a few of these snapshots from today:

~The corner of Lily's mouth turning up with excitement as her big sister fetches her first present to unwrap~

~Lily looking pretty in her new pink and orange checked dress~

~Lily blowing out the two candles on her cake~

~Lily in her blue Vietnamese pyjamas, rushing up to give me a kiss at the end of the day, her little rosebud lips puckered~


Happy Birthday Lily. I'm sorry your Mama's such a zombie sometimes.

~