Thoughts

'Thoughts are just sounds, words, stories, bits of language passing through our heads. Learning to look 'at' them in this way helps to break the emotional attachment and reactionary behaviour that certain thoughts have over us. Treating thoughts as just thoughts means that they can no longer hurt us.'

Dr Guy Meadows


Something that I have realised with great clarity over the past week is that my mind is working massively, crazily overtime. I'm not saying I'm unusual on this front - I think most of us have minds that chatter, judge, take a cartwheel or two and then chatter some more. And there's nothing wrong with this - it's normal. But it has been fascinating recently to observe what's going on in my mind throughout the day and to see these thoughts for what they really are - just thoughts.

I really like the words I've included from Guy Meadows above, especially the first sentence. Because they helps me to better understand that it is not the thought that is important but my reaction to it. Something that Guy suggests and that I've managed to do in the past few days is categorise the type of unhelpful thoughts I have towards my insomnia. An example of one of these categories is what I've called my 'nostalgic thoughts'. This is a strong one and has, I've discovered, quite a hold over me whereby my internal monolgue runs something along the lines of the following:

I used to have so much energy. I never used to stop. I did so much. I was so sociable. I was always amongst the last to leave a party. I had so much zest for life. How can I possibly aspire to any of these things when I'm so exhausted?I miss the old me.

When thoughts of these nature pop into my head, what I am trying to do now is firstly be aware of them, which can help to prevent them run riot. Then I'll think 'Ok, I'm having my nostalgic thoughts. Well, hello nostalgic thoughts, thanks for your input.' And simply by being aware of my (largely unhelpful) nostalgia, I feel a huge release and then I can try and let them go. Sometimes they may only be gone for as little as ten seconds before they muscle in again. But it doesn't matter how many times it takes - I need to keep observing them and then letting them carry on their way.

On another note, how have I been sleeping? The truth is, apart from one bumper night of sleep at the end of last week, not well. So I am tired (not to mention rather enormous and am wilting like an un-watered strawberry plant in this heat). But my mother is being a superstar and helping me out with the girls. And it's OK that I'm tired. Because, ironically, if I continue looking at the present rather than towards the future, I may just get there one day.