Finding compassion for myself and my children

'Children learn more from what we do than from what we say.'

'Time-Out for Parents. A guide to compassionate parenting' by Cheri Huber & Melinda Guyol

I'm not implying that I go and sit in yellow buckets in the garden (!) but I've included this qoute because it's the driving force behind 'Time-Out for Parents', a book I'm reading at the moment. I bought it in a bookshop in San Francisco whilst pregnant with Maya, hoping but not really knowing that it could provide some useful advice one day. I read it after Maya was born, and then again when Lily arrived and it's the third time now. Each time, the message has become more and more pertinent as life becomes a little more hectic with each new child. This book is so, so important and really leads on from what I was talking about in my last blog because it's all about modelling a happy, alive adulthood in order to pass that gift on to our children. And the only way we can be compassionate as parents is to be compassionate with ourselves. And this means taking time-out for ourselves.

It is so easy to be the kind of parent one aspires to be when everything is going well. Take a few days ago, when I'd slept pretty well.... Benjamin was having a morning nap and I did yoga and baking with the girls and I was even on the verge of feeling smug about being able to deal with the demands of my growing family. But then take a peek into the following day: I was knackered, Benjamin was screaming, Lily whining, Maya demanding this, that and the other and it felt like everything was crashing down around my head. I wanted to press the pause button and jump off the train of relentless noise. I wanted to open the front door, walk out and leave them all to it. But of course I can't do that, so I have to deal with those moments as best as possible. And sometimes I'm not at all proud of how I do deal with them. (But guilt, as I'm discovering more and more, is self-destructive and counter-productive. Yet I still battle with it hugely.)

So, what does all this have to do with sleep? Well, quite a lot. I know in the past I've rushed to pronounce myself 'cured' of my sleep problem when I feel I've hit upon a supposed panacea to my sleeplessness. The last few nights however, as Benajamin has been sleeping sweetly, I have found myself wide awake again. And that is FINE - of course I am still going to have nights like this. But I think that such nights are a gentle nudge, telling me that it's not all over. And whether it's due to lack of sleep or the plain and simple  experiences with three children, I'm going to keep having these thoroughly overwhelming moments, just like everyone does. It's called Life. But it's these times I need to draw upon the calmer, stronger elements that I know are within me, it's just that if I'm stressed, they feel very deeply buried.