Confidence

I've come to realise that in the past few years I've lost a little confidence.Without going into it too much (because I know that it will come back), I used to spend alot of time chatting to people, strangers also because I found people fascinating. I still do, but the difference now is that I'm often less willing to embark on conversations.

Maya starting school is proving an education for me aswell as her - all these chirpy, breezy mothers in the playground (at least, that's how they seem, perhaps the reality is quite different...).There's lots of the polite chit-chat at the moment - how's your child getting on - that kind of thing. Lots of people are interested in Benjamin and admire the colourful Guatemalan sling I carry him in. They ask how he's getting on at night, to which I reply in the affirmative, because he really is great, more often than not just waking once for a feed. But what I don't say, of course, is that I'm not getting on too well in the night. I mean, that would be a very odd thing to say, wouldn't it.

However. This morning was a bit different. Maya has made a little chum, Ruby, who she goes into the school building with holding hands (adorable). I often see Ruby's Dad who is a friendly guy, one of these people you instinctively trust. When he asked how I was this morning, I said I was feeling pretty exhausted. He asked if Benjamin was keeping me up at night. Normally I would have said yes, as it's by far the easiest response. But something in me wanted to tell the truth today and I looked straight at him and said 'To tell the truth, Benjamin's fine. I just can't sleep.' And that was that. In a way, it felt good to be honest for once. People (me included) so rarely say what's truly going on inside them.

Anyway, it's a sing-song golden-green sunny Autumnal day, one of these days it feels so good to be alive. My insomnia is so intangible - the shades and textures of this beautiful day are not, so it's something to embrace.