Oh frabjous day

Boy, was I down when I wrote that last blog. Though I imagine you noticed that. Things have been really been tough recently and I've felt pretty desperate at times. I'm pleased to report, however, that I feel better today and I can cast a little objectivity on all of this.

Sometimes, I know I'm not getting anywhere at with this. I'm not 'winning'. And okay, it's not a battle, but that's what it can feel like. But I'm battling against a faceless, shapeless foe. And that's a dislocating, isolating sensation. So I think that today, with this wonderful feeling of energy I have inside me, to ask myself what GOOD has come from my insomnia; what it has taught me and how it has helped me to grow. So, here goes.....

#1 CARPE DIEM

I am the queen of Carpe Diem (Seize the day). Years ago, as a teenager, I watched the movie Dead Poet's Society and  first really heard that term and thought it was an amazing concept. But I never imagined how I would one day apply to it to my own life with such intensity. I really do see a world in a grain of sand. I create all kinds of mini-adventures for myself and my family for I am at heart, after all, an adventuress.

#2 RECEIVING

For years, I've loved doing voluntary work, whether it's teaching english, helping with disabled people or helping with a cause I perceive to be worthy. It's always been an important part of my existence. I'm not trying to sound all virtuous, it's just something I've found enjoyable and enriching over the years. But how does this relate to what I'm talking about? Because, now the shoe is on the other foot. I am the recipient of somebody giving freely of their time.  Once a week, a lovely lady called Diana from Homestart charity, has started to come over for a couple of hours to help me out. And it really is brilliant. I never imagined this would happen to me at this point in my life, but I'm not too proud now to to admit that I'm struggling and need help. Admittedly it took a while to get used to this idea, but the point is that we never know what life is going to throw at us.

#3 EMOTIONS

We live in a society in which the messages we receive, right from the earliest age, is that it's not okay to be emotional. We have to keep a handle on our emotions. Children are told 'not to cry' or to 'be brave' or 'not to worry' etc etc. But subliminally what these messages are saying are 'Don't have emotions.' On top of that, we are British. Stiff upper lip and all that. Bollocks to all that, I think now. Suppressing emotions is, in the long term, hugely damaging. And now, as a mother, I want my children to be able to feel their emotions, to live them. I don't care if this sounds like wishy washy American crap.

I know I've been going on about this quite alot in my blog recently, but I really do feel that it's OK to feel low, it's OK to feel desperate and depressed at times and it's OK to cry, in fact it's necessary. This is called being human, experiencing a full range of human emotions. Where it's not OK is when this starts to impact on the wellbeing of my family, and admittedly there have been times I've questioned this (case in point: about a month ago I apologised to Maya for being grumpy all day, to which she replied: Is it because I do things wrong? This was not a good moment for me.) The good news however is that I feel like my children are in touch with their emotions. They see their mummy being sad and I gently explain to them why this is the case but that I will be just fine and it's not something they need to worry about. Children trust and although at times I feel horribly guilty about what I put my kids through as a result of my insomnia, if I'm being honest I know that they are happy, rounded and emotionally intelligent little lovelies.



The good thing is that now that I've started it, I know that this list could go on. But time prevents me from doing this. So let's just leave it here and say Oh frabjous day, calloo, callay (taken from one of my favourite poems, the Jabberwock). Oh, and Carpe Diem of course.