The colour of blue

I have a folder of music called 'Tunes to dance the blues away', which I really need today, because today is the colour of blue. I am listening to a track called Twelth Street Rag by Pee Wee Hunt which is everything my mood is not. But that's why I need to listen to it. I'm sitting here at the table with Maya and Lily, and in between typing a few words I am helping Maya colour in a picture of a ballerina. I am struck, as I so often am, how amazing these girls are. I know all parents think their children are amazing, but we're allowed to, aren't we. I feel that they put up with so, so much from me and sometimes it breaks my heart. 

The other day, Maya sensed I was low. I saw her looking at me and really thinking. And then she said something that blew me away. She said 'It's hard looking after three children on your own, isn't it?' I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. When did my four year old become such a wise little soul?

Today I just can't shake it off, this feeling of heavy-heartedness that has me in its grips. I feel like I'm scrabbling around, my arms flailing about, searching for even a small part of myself. But I can't find me anywhere. I feel like I despately miss my children and husband, because I'm not really with them. But what's the answer? Keep believing that I'm there somewhere. And keep being amazed and inspired by my children.