It's been four years since I last wrote this blog. My children are now eight, six and four, age forty nudges ever closer for me and some weird and wonderful things have happened over the past few years. I thought (and hoped) I'd never need to come back to this blog but...well...chronic insomnia is a pesky sidekick and not, I discover more and more, something that goes away easily.
The past six months have been incredibly tough for me and it's funny, because I hadn't thought about this blog for such a long time. But this morning, as I sat in a Nairobi cafe, working on my second novel and pondering how exhausted I felt and low in energy and spirit, a little voice whispered Remember Notes of an Insomniac Mother?
So, here I am again. In less than a week, I'll be back in England to see various psychotherapists, psychiatrists, neurologists, nutritionists, bio-energetic screeners (yep!), naturopaths and possibly others. It all feels slightly bonkers and unreal, yet at the same time something I need to do. Chronic Insomnia is grim. How to explain it to somebody who sleeps pretty well? Not very easily, I can tell you. Chronic insomnia is defined in all the 'books' as a condition whereby a person sleeps consistently badly for a month. So what kind of insomnia is it, I wonder, when a person sleeps consistently badly for ten years? Perhaps I should make up a name for it.
I was chatting to a friend the other day and telling her about my condition and one thing she said really stuck with me. And I think she's right, to help keep me sane through all this. She said something along the lines of how interesting it was that I would be finding out what it is that's causing this insomnia. Sometimes, in my very low moments, I do doubt that, that I can and will ever get to the bottom of this as it's been such a long time. But I think she's right to suggest I maintain an element of curiosity and lightness to the whole situation and see it as a journey. And it really could be that I have some blood tests and conversations about my Crohn's disease and we just have a Eureka moment and I can start to live my life again and find a greater degree of control and clarity.
My current situation is that I don't sleep for three nights in a row (when I say I don't sleep, sometimes I do, but I would say this is anything between 0 and 3 hours) and then on the 4th night I take a sleeping pill. This keeps me going, but this is not healthy nor sustainable. I do believe that our bodies have the innate ability to heal themselves and I do believe that, eventually, I can find something to place me back on a healthier, healing track. But it's important I keep believing that and keep hoping and looking for a solution. For a long while, I decided to stop this search and practise 'acceptance.' But no, I do not accept it anymore because I have a life to live and people to love and chronic insomnia does this cruel thing whereby it picks away at the fabric of this.
I'll keep you posted :-)
The past six months have been incredibly tough for me and it's funny, because I hadn't thought about this blog for such a long time. But this morning, as I sat in a Nairobi cafe, working on my second novel and pondering how exhausted I felt and low in energy and spirit, a little voice whispered Remember Notes of an Insomniac Mother?
So, here I am again. In less than a week, I'll be back in England to see various psychotherapists, psychiatrists, neurologists, nutritionists, bio-energetic screeners (yep!), naturopaths and possibly others. It all feels slightly bonkers and unreal, yet at the same time something I need to do. Chronic Insomnia is grim. How to explain it to somebody who sleeps pretty well? Not very easily, I can tell you. Chronic insomnia is defined in all the 'books' as a condition whereby a person sleeps consistently badly for a month. So what kind of insomnia is it, I wonder, when a person sleeps consistently badly for ten years? Perhaps I should make up a name for it.
I was chatting to a friend the other day and telling her about my condition and one thing she said really stuck with me. And I think she's right, to help keep me sane through all this. She said something along the lines of how interesting it was that I would be finding out what it is that's causing this insomnia. Sometimes, in my very low moments, I do doubt that, that I can and will ever get to the bottom of this as it's been such a long time. But I think she's right to suggest I maintain an element of curiosity and lightness to the whole situation and see it as a journey. And it really could be that I have some blood tests and conversations about my Crohn's disease and we just have a Eureka moment and I can start to live my life again and find a greater degree of control and clarity.
My current situation is that I don't sleep for three nights in a row (when I say I don't sleep, sometimes I do, but I would say this is anything between 0 and 3 hours) and then on the 4th night I take a sleeping pill. This keeps me going, but this is not healthy nor sustainable. I do believe that our bodies have the innate ability to heal themselves and I do believe that, eventually, I can find something to place me back on a healthier, healing track. But it's important I keep believing that and keep hoping and looking for a solution. For a long while, I decided to stop this search and practise 'acceptance.' But no, I do not accept it anymore because I have a life to live and people to love and chronic insomnia does this cruel thing whereby it picks away at the fabric of this.
I'll keep you posted :-)
Feeling alive on a good day.
Chania Falls, Aberdares National Park, Kenya
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