My search for sleep has taken me from grand consulting rooms in Harley Street to a Cypriot community centre in Wood Green, from a private hospital in Marylebone to a small, poorly heated room in Hendon. I have had ten appointments since I arrived in England ten days ago and wow, what a ten days it has been. I know that it is early days, and I know that my search for sleep has not necessarily come to an end for I shall always, I suspect, be a person who is 'nocturnally challenged' on some level. However, what I do know is that I feel like a different person from the woman who almost collapsed on to that airplane leaving Nairobi, too tired to even really grasp where I was going, or why.
It isn't about being in England, that much I can say for sure. My insomnia has doggedly followed me for years and it hasn't mattered where I was or even how I was feeling. I could never, ever find a pattern. I must confess I'm still fairly bemused that out of ten days back here only two nights have been bad. TWO. That's all. The last time I got this kind of uninterrupted sleep without sleeping pills, angst and a fair amount of tears was...well...a long time ago. The psychiatrist I saw last night commented that I have the opposite problem at the moment from a lot of people he sees - they don't know why they feel so awful (and that was me, just two weeks ago) but where I'm at now, I don't know why I feel so good. Well, in a way of course I know, it's because I'm sleeping. But why, after the most difficult months of my life, am I suddenly going to bed and dropping off without any great drama?
I don't have a definitive answer for that and there are, of course, a combination of factors at play (relief at addressing this, no caffeine, alcohol, tropical fruit (!) etc etc). But I really feel that something has shifted since I've been here. Perhaps a better word for it is that something that lifted. I'm back in control of this, taking small steps to change habits, what I put into my mouth, the trajectory of my thought patterns so that the dark beast that is insomnia has loosened its grip on me and I feel lighter than I have done in a long, long time.
I do believe I will get there. And I feel so fortunate to have so many people around me supporting me, a wall built up of family, friendship, love and care. It's been a grim period, but I'm out of the dark tunnel now. I feel positive and stronger than I've been in ages and I believe that by being here I've re-booted my system and I'm entering a new phase of my life. Alright, it may be a phase without coffee and wine which totally sucks, but if that's what it takes, that's what it takes ;-)
Thanks everyone for being here for me. Really, thank you.
It isn't about being in England, that much I can say for sure. My insomnia has doggedly followed me for years and it hasn't mattered where I was or even how I was feeling. I could never, ever find a pattern. I must confess I'm still fairly bemused that out of ten days back here only two nights have been bad. TWO. That's all. The last time I got this kind of uninterrupted sleep without sleeping pills, angst and a fair amount of tears was...well...a long time ago. The psychiatrist I saw last night commented that I have the opposite problem at the moment from a lot of people he sees - they don't know why they feel so awful (and that was me, just two weeks ago) but where I'm at now, I don't know why I feel so good. Well, in a way of course I know, it's because I'm sleeping. But why, after the most difficult months of my life, am I suddenly going to bed and dropping off without any great drama?
I don't have a definitive answer for that and there are, of course, a combination of factors at play (relief at addressing this, no caffeine, alcohol, tropical fruit (!) etc etc). But I really feel that something has shifted since I've been here. Perhaps a better word for it is that something that lifted. I'm back in control of this, taking small steps to change habits, what I put into my mouth, the trajectory of my thought patterns so that the dark beast that is insomnia has loosened its grip on me and I feel lighter than I have done in a long, long time.
I do believe I will get there. And I feel so fortunate to have so many people around me supporting me, a wall built up of family, friendship, love and care. It's been a grim period, but I'm out of the dark tunnel now. I feel positive and stronger than I've been in ages and I believe that by being here I've re-booted my system and I'm entering a new phase of my life. Alright, it may be a phase without coffee and wine which totally sucks, but if that's what it takes, that's what it takes ;-)
Thanks everyone for being here for me. Really, thank you.
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