Back to the blog after a six year break

I've recently been reading over my old diaries at night. I'm up to my 2008 diary and have come to the point where Andy encourages me to start writing a blog to share what I go through with insomnia. Of course I do remember writing this blog, but honestly? I haven't thought about it for so long and it's a strange feeling to rediscover it again now. It feels a little like being reunited with an old friend. I've just gone down a rabbit hole, reading back over some of these posts and looking at the pictures of my children when they were little which are (especially to a mother) so adorable.

Six years on from the last post and am I still am insomniac mother? And what has changed, if anything? Yes, I do still have issues with my sleep and I know it would pain me to know that six years ago, or thirteen years ago when I first started writing this blog. But this is what it is. Sleep is a slippery eel - you think you've caught it and figured it all out, only for it to elude you once again.

But here's what is different: I no longer beat myself up about being a bad mother, wife or friend. I no longer apologise for not being able to do things. I'm more compassionate with myself and my relationship with my three children (now aged 15,13 & 10), who have never known their mother to not have insomnia, has morphed into something very special and they in turn, I believe, are growing into compassionate souls.

It's funny because recently I was thinking that I wanted somehow to document and share my journey with what I go through but I couldn't find a natural, comfortable space for it. But then this old blog turned up and yes, this is my natural space. For the past years it has felt too painful to talk about in a public arena, but what I'd like to say is this: if you know of anyone who struggles with sleep, please can you forward this link to them. It helps me to connect with others going through something similar and it will, I hope, help that person to not feel so alone, because long-term chronic insomnia can be desperately isolating.

Starting to share my experiences again now will be, I hope, a new chapter for me. Not in terms of my sleep suddenly miraculously improving, but in terms of more conversation and greater understanding around this radically misunderstood condition that can be brutal, sapping one's self-esteem and joie de vivre. I'm not seeking advice on how to sleep better (see the last post I wrote six years ago - nothing has changed on that front in the intervening years). But this is simply some honest words of sharing that I hope will reach others. Stay tuned.