Who was it that said something along the lines of That which doesn't defeat you makes you stronger? Well, if this doesn't defeat me (which it won't), then I am going to be one seriously strong person at the other end of this.
It is very difficult for me to express on a 9-nights-in-a-row-without-sleep day the extent to which this affects me, everything about me: my self-esteem, my ability to relate to others, my emotional state of mind, my physical body and my mental health. In the past week, I decided to do something I really hadn't wanted to do, and that's to try a new anti-depressant. What's the big deal, you might ask. Well, there is a fear niggling at the back of my head that two years down the line I may be back in the same position and it will hit me even harder. But I have to try. When multiple sleeping pills don't work, you know you have to try something different.
But actually, the purpose of this blog is to write briefly about something quite specific. My therapist suggested that I gently and respectfully request of my family and friends to not give me advice. I do realise how difficult this is and I'm sure that if I were in a position watching someone dear to me suffer I would want to do something, anything, to help them. But you see, she feels that the only way I am going to get better is if I work through this thing (whatever it is) myself, without everybody's input, which will only confuse me further. I am very vulnerable right now and for some time have been jumping around, doing and trying lots and lots of different things. But for now, the new medication and the new therapist I'm seeing is enough. My wonderful grandmother's motto was KBO - Keep Buggering On. And that's all well and good and may work for some, chin up and al the rest (very British) but for me I have kept buggering on and on and on over the years, repressing many emotions and how I truly feel about things and this has been, I feel, to the detriment of my health. So I'm not going to KBO anymore, I am putting my hands up and I'm saying I'm not coping and I am on a journey to understand it, but it is likely to take some time.
And here's how I need your help. No more advice or suggestions, please. Instead, friends in Kenya: I need lots and lots of hugs, company, cups of tea and cake (preferably gluten free, but hey, I'm open to anything ;-)). English friends and family: phone calls, skype, text messages, emails, facebook messages etc etc, whatever your means of communication is. It might not feel like you are doing much, but just knowing there are people out there thinking of me and rooting for me actually makes a huge difference.
It is very difficult for me to express on a 9-nights-in-a-row-without-sleep day the extent to which this affects me, everything about me: my self-esteem, my ability to relate to others, my emotional state of mind, my physical body and my mental health. In the past week, I decided to do something I really hadn't wanted to do, and that's to try a new anti-depressant. What's the big deal, you might ask. Well, there is a fear niggling at the back of my head that two years down the line I may be back in the same position and it will hit me even harder. But I have to try. When multiple sleeping pills don't work, you know you have to try something different.
But actually, the purpose of this blog is to write briefly about something quite specific. My therapist suggested that I gently and respectfully request of my family and friends to not give me advice. I do realise how difficult this is and I'm sure that if I were in a position watching someone dear to me suffer I would want to do something, anything, to help them. But you see, she feels that the only way I am going to get better is if I work through this thing (whatever it is) myself, without everybody's input, which will only confuse me further. I am very vulnerable right now and for some time have been jumping around, doing and trying lots and lots of different things. But for now, the new medication and the new therapist I'm seeing is enough. My wonderful grandmother's motto was KBO - Keep Buggering On. And that's all well and good and may work for some, chin up and al the rest (very British) but for me I have kept buggering on and on and on over the years, repressing many emotions and how I truly feel about things and this has been, I feel, to the detriment of my health. So I'm not going to KBO anymore, I am putting my hands up and I'm saying I'm not coping and I am on a journey to understand it, but it is likely to take some time.
And here's how I need your help. No more advice or suggestions, please. Instead, friends in Kenya: I need lots and lots of hugs, company, cups of tea and cake (preferably gluten free, but hey, I'm open to anything ;-)). English friends and family: phone calls, skype, text messages, emails, facebook messages etc etc, whatever your means of communication is. It might not feel like you are doing much, but just knowing there are people out there thinking of me and rooting for me actually makes a huge difference.
Good for you, Rebecca. I know I promised to call you for tea - hell of a week but I have not forgotten. Hug also coming. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you Ramsey X
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