Maybe this is a controversial and unfair thing to say, but sometimes I feel I'm granted a glimpse into the life of someone who is bi-polar. My moods lurch violently about and they're completely unpredictable (in the same way that my sleeping patterns are unpredictable). Sometimes I feel miserable and tearful and all it takes is for someone to say a single kind word for me to sob on their shoulder; then there are my exhausted angry moods - when I want to hit someone or break something because I am just so, so fed up with feeling this way. My quiet moods of weary acceptance tend to come in the evening after the girls are in bed and I sink into a chair and can't really feel much at all, I'm more like an empty shell. And then (and these are the moods I love the most but experience the least), there are the days that I get out of bed and I know instantaneously that I have had enough sleep. I bound out of bed, choose something interesting to wear (it's amazing how what I wear each day is determined by how much I've slept) and proceed with the day with a rather stupid, smug smile on my face. It's a kind of crazed happiness which nobody can do or say anything to destroy. Colours seem brighter, tastes are sharper, conversations more meaningful. These are the days that I spend chatting to as many people as I can, baking, writing stories, doing fun things with Maya like painting and going on nature walks, laughing, smiling...I feel as though I'm trying to squeeze a lifetime into a day, as days like these are rare gifts.
Today is, I'm sorry to report, one of my angry days. I hate feeling like this, so destructive and so furious. It's NOT me. When I'm in this mood, I find myself looking at people that pass by with a swing in their stride and fresh faces and it's a terrible thing to say but I feel complete and utter envy. I want to be you for the night, I think. How much can I pay you for a swap? I bumped into Caroline, my neighbour, at the post office. She is one of the most energetic people I know and often her enthusiasm can rub off on me if I'm in the right mood. But not today. She asked me brightly if I'd had a good night. 'No,' I replied and the dark look on my face swiftly signalled the end of the conversation. Walking away from her, I wanted to stand in the middle of the pavement and scream and scream and scream until I felt better, then press rewind and go back to her. 'Did you have a good night?' 'Yes, ' I reply emphatically. 'I had a brilliant night.'
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