It's not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us. Of course things can hurt us physically or economically and can cause sorrow. But our character, our basic identity, does not have to be hurt at all. In fact, our most difficult experiences become the crucibles that forge our character and develop the internal powers, the freedom to handle difficult circumstances in the future and to inspire others to do so as well.
Stephen R.Covey
Yesterday, I didn't leave the house until 4.30pm when Andy came back early from work to 'save' me. I went to the park near our apartment, sat on a bench and thought to myself, if someone came and sat down next to me now - anyone, a stranger - and said to me 'I can help you. I understand what you're going through and I can help you', I would have trusted them and given myself to their care wholeheartedly. Because although I said very few words yesterday, my internal dialogue was raging, and the words it kept coming back to again and again were 'I need help. I need help.'
Every so often (thankfully not too much) I have a day like this. Normally they come when I've had several poor nights sleep in a row and I hit rock bottom. The accompanying emotions include anger, despair and guilt and I know, I know none of this can help me to move forwards. But on these rare days I don't want to see or talk to anybody and the way I see it, I just don't cope. Andy, amazingly, doesn't see it this way and feels I am too hard on myself - that I am coping far better than I give myself credit for. Perhaps he is right, but it certainly doesn't feel this way.
This is why I've included the above quote, because on this journey I'm travelling of learning to cope with insomnia, I know I need to find some way to step out of myself on days like yesterday and remember that I have a choice. This has got to be one of the hardest things in the world, because in the midst of it, when my head is throbbing and I feel more mentally and physically low than I know how to describe, it doesn't feel like I have a choice at all. It feels like I am simply responding to my physical predicament and that, basically, I am incapacitated for that whole day. But if I choose to respond in a certain way, a way that does not harm those around me and keeps who I really am at core, then perhaps I can grow stronger. Perhaps these past three years of insomnia have already helped strengthen me as a person in ways that I can't yet see.
Hi. I have accidentally stumbled onto your blog. I know soo soo well how you fell. So trapped. Stuck. You know what you need to do. How things should be done. Who you want to be...but.you.are.just.so.stuck. Your husband seem to be very wise and so understanding. You are looking after two girls - they are feed, bathed, they are doing just fine. You are being too harsh on yourself. You really are. My insomnia has been with me for many many years, and being a full time mum is certanly not helping. I was told once to think about a life in terms of a decades and not weeks as I often do. What were you achivements? How did your life look like - see the picture is much more positive and all is due to your personal successes.
ReplyDeleteI have tried to get a part time work that makes me step out of the house, leave the kids at XYZ and I have seen a massive change. I have interacted with people - cuz I had to. I had to brush my hair and I had to (force myself) to dress up and eat. I missed my kids so when I came home I was happier and consequently the children were happier. You must put yourself first at times.